Look, what I have with God, the relationship I have, is nothing more nor nothing less than what someone else has. It’s just DIFFERENT & UNIQUE—just like He made me to be, different and unique. It’s SPECIAL.

Just think about it. You can see in your own life that there are a few people you consider to have special and close relationships with; don’t you cherish those relationships? Don’t you think that you and your closest friends fit because you guys are unique and mesh together? Don’t you see couples, friendships, and relationships and wish you could have what “they” have—the intimacy, the closeness, the love?

I feel like God is standing right in front of us saying, STOP COMPARING, the thing that you want, need, desire, everything—it’s ME. Jesus is just waiting for us to want to hold his hand. The Father is looking at us with this intense love-gaze, He’s madly in love with us.

A lot of times I find myself comparing who I am to other people. I’ll be honest, I don’t do it sometimes—I do it a lot. I hear the stupid lies telling me, I have to pray more, fast more, manifest more, I’m not good enough, not “holy” enough, or not worthy. THOSE ARE STUPID. But sometimes I let them get to me, which sometimes leads me to believe that I should keep my insecurities inside. That these insecurities should be kept secret, because if I talk about them I’m burdening others, if I talk about them people won’t understand, if I talk about them people would condemn me. THOSE ARE LIES AND THEY’RE STUPID. It’s when we can walk in full-freedom and full-confidence of who we are then this spirit of comparison and competitiveness would be broken.

Stop comparing, if you’re in a relationship or friendship, don’t you want it to be so rare that it’s different from everyone else? We have this fundamental desire to be special, to be needed, to be wanted, and to be ACCEPTED. Guess what? There’s a God who desires to give you all that and MORE. Your creator made you, you’re his original masterpiece, made to give Him specific joy and pleasure that only you can give Him! Don’t you see that the way we compare and compete with one another is a disgrace? It’s honestly displeasing God, it’s like saying what you’ve given me and what you want to give me isn’t good enough.

There’s no race to win His heart, you ALREADY have it. I can’t even imagine and fathom this simple fact. STOP COMPARING. Look to the Father and ask Him what does your relationship mean to Him….I guarantee you that you won’t be disappointed. Because, what you have, the relationship that you’ve cultivated and made with Him is special, so distinct, so beautiful, that no other can come close.

Here’s what ran through my mind as I ate my dinner in 3 minutes at 8:45:

Crutches. I have crutches.

You know what I always tell people when I’m going to ask to pray for them? I usually ask what happened to them and they explain but wonder why I even care. I usually say something along the lines of:

“Well, I just noticed you have crutches, and crutches suck. I saw your bandage/boot/cast and thought, that must hurt. Pain sucks, and I just wanted to see you better.”

Not that I have some neatly rehearsed lines, but I do mean that when I say it. I think about how their armpits must be sore from crutching sometimes. I don’t like crutches. But I realized, while I chewed my pizza, that I have crutches. My crutches are things that I run to instead of running to God. The lesser pleasures that I replace God with. Things like Facebook, Tumblr, the internet, my friends, sleeping, reading about Jesus without connecting with him, all that stuff that is a replacement. These are my crutches, they bruise my armpits and keep the pressure off my pain, but don’t make me well. I feel like Jesus says, Crutches suck. Pain sucks. I want to see you better.

You know the one thing that will keep a person from getting better? The one thing that will every single time keep a person from getting healed? It is when they say, “It’s okay, I’m already getting better, I’ll be fine on my own”, trusting the strength of their own ability to recover.

Right now I am wondering if I crutching along and telling the Lord, “You know, God, you’re really nice but I don’t really need it right now. I’m totally fine on my own, I mean I’m already getting better. The pain isn’t THAT bad (but you know it really is).” And then I crutch away and refuse to let him heal me.

God, take my crutches. I want to walk with you.

Jesus comes to live through us, not because of revelation but because of relationship – salvation is a relational experience more so than a conceptual lesson because it happens in real life.

So how can we as Christians – or “little Christs” – lead others to Jesus without establishing and cultivating a meaningful relationship with others? the relationship sets the soil for knowledge to enrich and grow understanding and through it the true teaching and reflection of the kingdom of God is understood. We must show and not explain God’s qualities for someone to truly “get it”.

First you must pierce the heart if you hope to reach the brain. And its ordered precisely so for a reason.

So who penetrates the heart – friend or teacher? Whose words carry the greater power? When you put the teacher hat on, the dynamic of your interpersonal relationships also changes; your relationship with others becomes centered on knowledge rather than intimacy. How easy is it to be intimate with a teacher? In the same way, for others to see Christ in us, we must become an experiential reflection of his heart and character.

One may gain an intrinsic insight into love through discussion, but it is deeply understood when it is experienced. For this reason, loving is central to the two greatest commandments because it becomes the conduit by which we enjoy and connect to the father’s heart while also connecting others to Him.

Before we knew Him, we called Jesus teacher, but He called us beloved! Now we understand that He was always the lover of our soul – our bridegroom.

Relationship is central to the love that surpasses all knowledge. The kingdom is a fellowship, rather than a classroom understood relationally, not cognitively.

I’ve searched for love in all the wrong places. I’ve searched to fill this emptiness in my heart. I was convinced that compromising my body, my innocence, and my heart would make me lovable, accepted, and significant. The church doesn’t talk about sexual impurity, well WAKE UP CHURCH. For a long time I bought into the lie that “Christians” would CONDEMN me if I ever spoke of such “things”. Why should followers of Christ CONDEMN me? Isn’t that not a characteristic of God’s son. In John 8, Jesus did not CONDEMN the woman caught in adultery. He told her to Go and leave her life of Sin. I want my generation to rise up and shed our old selves and leave our life of Sin. I want to see my generation to know the Father’s LOVE, to understand TRUE LOVE.

I was an orphan, looking for love, acceptance, happiness. I know now that it was never going to be in some boy or even some friend. This love I was looking for was the Father’s love, the love that God embodies. An unconditional love, one that is not measured on how much I perform, the grades I obtain, or how I even look like. I want this generation to realize Ephesians 2:10. I want this generation to realize that we were created in His image, we were wonderfully and fearfully made. We were uniquely made to bring Glory to His name, to be world changers. I want my generation to rise up to this TRUTH and refuse the lies that tell them different.

I bought into the idea that my successes will measure my happiness, this “Get rich or die trying” attitude. I bought into the LIE, that in order for others to love me I would have to PROVE it through my actions. I believed that in order to be accepted in this world, I must follow a certain lifestyle, do certain things, and perform in a certain way. I believed that I needed to be able to earn a lot of money to gain happiness and success. WELL GUESS WHAT. John 16-19. We are sent into this world, but we are NOT APART OF THIS WORLD. THEREFORE, I want to see this generation rise up and start living like they are not apart of this world. If we are not apart of this world we do NOT need Man’s approval, Man’s applause, or Man’s opinion. I want to see my generation walking in the faith of God’s word of Jeremiah 29:11. I want to see my generation to fully trust in the Lord.

I want to see my generation in total surrender, to see them RISE up against injustice, to be the salt and the light, to rise up to their callings, rise up and fulfill the commandment to LOVE one another just as He loved us, to rise up in their identity in Christ. I’m declaring a generation of David’s who will be victorious, I’m declaring a generation of warriors, a generation of extremists, a generation of supernaturalists, a generation of Royalty, and most importantly a generation of Lovers. I want to challenge this generation to RISE up and defeat Goliath…are you ready to rise?

“Revival- the inrush of the Spirit into the body that threatens to become a corpse.”- D.M. Panton

All of a sudden, I feel like I am going to explode, all of a sudden I feel like I am bursting at the seams. Why? Because I’ve been reading Leonard Hill and quotes from preachers like Tozer and it makes me want to climb on a table and shout. Why? Because I want to see Acts break out, and all of a sudden, the sleeping game isn’t fun anymore. Its almost as if reality has been quickened to me and I can’t watch as people dwindle away their lives anymore. Its no longer okay that half of my friends have no idea why they are on the planet and the other half have forgotten why. Its not okay that I am not burning, and its not okay that I haven’t been prompted to burn. Jesus, be the flame in my heart. God, make it not okay that we aren’t seeing anyone saved. Jesus, that your words would once again be cloaked with power when it leaves our lips! That we would be emancipators!! God that we would be Abraham Lincoln’s in the Spirit in this modern day! That bondages would be broken! What does it look like? Why have we forgotten the definition of conviction and talk has become so cheap? The name of Jesus is power, but to so many of us, its just another catch phrase. That is not okay. Not on my watch. That’s what I want to say. At the end of the day, I DO NOT WANT IT TO BE SAID OF ME THAT I FADED OUT. I want to know that I did ALL that I could and that I did not waste my time. I want to know that I did all that was dreamed out for me in the heart of the Father. I do not want to ride the waves of relevance and political correct-ness. I do not want to ride the wave of popularity and social acceptance if it will cost me my heart. I do not want to contend for the best possible way to be a peaceable person, but I want to stir things up in a God way. I want to breathe passion and leak love in your way. I don’t know if I’m a prophet, but I sure don’t want to be a resounding cymbal full of empty words void of power. I don’t want to waste any words of my own. I know its lofty, I know I haven’t asked for this in a while, but all of a sudden, everything else just seems really really subordinate. Everything else suddenly just dwindled, because ALL OF A SUDDEN eternity just got quickened into my spirit. All of a sudden, things as normal aren’t okay any more. I remember why I never wanted to waste a conversation talking about anything but Jesus my junior year. I remember why I thought everything else was sub-par and anything that would compromise what God was doing became my enemy. I remember the zeal and its necessity, the holy militancy. Sometimes you gotta look up and realize that whether or not you choose to engage, there is a battle that flames all around you. The other side ain’t gonna stop and pity you, so I don’t know why we stop and pity them, why we tolerate keeping the things that eat away at burning hearts.

IF YOU READ THIS AND YOU FEEL A YEARNING IN YOUR HEART, DON’T LET IT DIE, CULTIVATE IT. YOU WERE BORN WITH A PURPOSE, NOT JUST TO EXIST (THAT WOULD BE STUPID). EVERYTHING THAT TELLS YOU OTHERWISE IS A LIE. It makes me so angry to watch people who have had incredible experiences with God and have huge destinies ahead but have fallen. Its an INJUSTICE that the enemy has lied and enticed them away from what they had in God, but know that its not too late to return and the devil has to repay seven times what he stole. Still, its our job to cling on and cultivate burning hearts. You have no idea what kind of destiny God has in store for you, DON’T LET IT PASS YOU BY.

This week has brought about several interesting encounters. One of which provided a nice segue into this entry. During lunch on Monday, I was eating my subway sandwich in Price Center and I was glossing over my notes for the midterm that was in an hour. I was a little startled when a guy and a girl who introduced themselves as Ryan and Christina came up to me and sat down at my table. They were doing “Campus EV[angelism]” and I guess I looked like a prime target. I didn’t really mind chatting with them and so we had a conversation that consisted mostly of them asking me questions about my faith and inviting me to their church/fellowship. It was a bit awkward for me because I felt like I was viewed as a rogue Christian since I didn’t attend church in a established building. I just listened as they gave me their pitch and told them it was cool that they were stepping out.. in their own way.

I never really thought I’d become involved in student church planting, simple church, or whatever you want to call it. It sounded like an interesting idea when I first heard it in high school, but I thought to myself, “This isn’t for me.” Now, I can’t imagine having church any other way. I like how simple it is and how I feel like I belong. I am not restricted to having church in one place at a designated time. Church is happening in real life in real time wherever I go. Jesus went to meet people where they are and didn’t set up his ministry in one location at a certain time. Outside of human imposed rules, I can carry Him in me to encounter people even in the most unlikely places. I’ve been learning more through rawthentic experiences in the past few months with people and God than I have in the past decade in the pews of Church. I have nothing against buildings, but when church becomes more about a building and programs rather than relationship, then we have a problem.

Yonggi Cho, the pastor of the largest church in the world, says that revival is happening everyday in his church. That is what I live for. I live in church and revival everyday.

A belated update. I had originally planned on writing down some revelations I had a few weeks ago, but I got distracted. This entry is jumbled up, but that’s often how revelations are. Points connect here and there, but hopefully it makes sense in the end. Back on the Sunday we had simple church and baptisms, something clicked during worship. It was the value of being able to receive. For so long, I had this head knowledge that I don’t have to strive for God’s approval or do anything to gain gifts. It wasn’t until that Sunday morning when that idea sank into my heart.

While Becca was leading worship, I was pondering all the impartations that I had received and the crazy stuff in the past few weeks. What was I supposed to do with it all? I was feeling rather unsatisfied with my life. I felt that it lacked substance; everything I did, my existence, felt so empty. Like, what’s the dealio? Sigh.. sadness. In this state of being, some thoughts surfaced in my mind. Life and ministry is meaningless without God. It is an empty shell because it is missing the life that only Jesus can provide. In my mind’s eye, I saw a clear glass container that was being filled with living water until it was overflowing. We need to be filled with the Holy Spirit, so that we can give life to others from our abundance of life. This is only possible if we let ourselves be filled. The vessel is just a vessel; it is purposeless if it is not carrying something. However, the container doesn’t need to work at being filled, that’s the job of whoever pours into it. It just has to receive.

Similarly, I saw the picture of a glove. The glove was lifeless until there was a hand in it. People are the glove that do the work of the Father when they allow themselves to be possessed by Him. I concluded that this life, this person that I am, is meant to be surrendered to God to allow Him to do whatever He wants. Only in the act of relinquishing control to the Holy Spirit, can my existence be truly profound and meaningful. The greatest thing is that the burden of performance is lifted off my shoulders. I’m not the one healing the sick, loving people, it is Christ in me. What is more, it’s not that I need to try hard to be filled. I only need to just give God time and space in my life. I’m learning to take time in prayer to just receive and not try to busy myself in His presence.

To live is Christ, and to die is gain.

There’s been a deep well inside of my life for quite some time now thats been running dry. Full of disappointment, fear, and isolation, I’ve never gone near it, too afraid to discover what could be laying deep within after all these years of neglect and
abandonment. I’ve been able to get on by without this well, searched the nearest places in my lifetime for some provision of water and provision I found.

I thought I’d found the answer to all my needs, perfected all the cracks and edges of my life. Created some theories, some advice, wise words to live by. But I never laughed, I lived through time wary of everything. I thought I found God, I had first heard of Him, rejected him, drew closer to Him, heard Him, prayed to Him, and relied on Him. I wasn’t ready to drop my valuables in my hand in order to take only His. But then I did, because I was tired of an emotional life that rode between the worst and the good.

And so He showed me the well. He let me hear the sound of its emptiness with my own tears.

Love.

There’s a power behind our words that I have only recently discovered. It was like learning language all over again. I have graduated school, had my share of heartaches and laughter, written well on exams and essays but to grasp the meaning behind a few words I have never truly learned.

Father.

To speak it in English; no problem, to hear it, okay. Its something I’d become accustomed to, explained plenty of times in my lifetime as questions came up about my family. The role of the word in society, no problem. I’d cross examined it plenty of
times in my classes.

父親. 愛
and in chinese? Its a side of me I learned to push aside as irrelevant in years of  american society. I had never possessed much of my cultural inheritance, it was a part of my life that was just not relevant.

我的父親愛我,
I heard, and I spoke I still get shivers hearing that from my own lips, spoken to my ears. The more He told me, the more I wept, the greater I laughed.

The first few drops down the well, were painful to hear. It only reminded me of the emptiness it held, of the lack, the thirst and desperation inside my mouth and my heart, for water, for a Father.

Then something broke. The well was cracked, the well was useless, it was only a shell, an opening for the water. And out came living water, endless, limitless, streaming, pouring over and into me joy, relief, and peace.

- His daughter